Emotional Regulation with DBT
Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) offers a structured approach to helping us regulate our emotions. The goal is help us better understand, assess, and manage what we are feeling experiencing. Whether you're struggling with overwhelming feelings or seeking greater emotional resilience, DBT seeks to help provide you with skills to navigate your emotional world more effectively.
Step 1: Emotional Identification – Understanding What You're Feeling
Often, we tend to experience things as “anxiety” or “frustration”, but often we are scared or frustrated that we are having an emotion at a time we would rather be calm. Our first step is to identify our emotion more accurately. Many of us find it challenging to distinguish between similar emotions or recognise when one emotion may mask another.
Distinguishing Between Similar Emotions:
Shame vs. Guilt: in DBT we can associate Shame more closely with feelings of judgement of others, while guilt comes from regret over conflict with our own personal values.
Love vs. Limerance: Love is the feeling of lightness and increased confidence when we feel loved by someone, while limerence is the feeling of tension and anxiety associated with hopes for the future because of the “potential” of what we see in this new relationship.
The "Anger Wall" – Masking Vulnerable Emotions:
Anger or frustration is often used as a protective mechanism to protect us from showing our more vulnerable emotions like fear, sadness, or shame. Recognising this pattern can help us connect in our relationships rather than reacting with more aggressive or hurtful behaviours. For instance, someone feeling rejected may express their distress lashing out instead of acknowledging their pain.
Step 2: Is the Emotion Justified? Assessing If It Fits the Facts
Sometimes we have an emotional reaction to a situation, and while our feelings are very real, they may be based more on what we fear is happening or our interpretation of events than the facts. Emotions are justified when they match the facts, for example, feeling fear in a dangerous situation. However, feeling intense fear when we anticipate future danger may not fit the facts.
Guilt – Unjustified vs. Justified
Unjustified Guilt: Jess feels guilty for leaving a social event early, worrying that her friends are upset. She checks the facts and her friends understand her need for rest.
Justified Guilt: Mark accidentally backed into his neighbour’s car and didn’t leave a note. His guilt is justified as his actions conflict with his values of honesty and responsibility.
Anger – Unjustified vs. Justified
Unjustified Anger: Sue feels angry when her friend doesn't reply to a message within an hour, assuming she’s being ignored. In reality, her friend might be busy or hasn’t seen the message.
Justified Anger: Liam’s coworker took credit for his work during a meeting. His anger is justified because his contributions were ignored.
Step 3: Is the Emotion Helpful?
Even when emotions are justified, they may not always help us achieve our long-term goals. Holding onto anger, jealousy, or shame in certain situations may be counterproductive.
Shame – Helpful vs. Not Helpful
Helpful Shame: Peter feels ashamed after being dishonest in a job interview and decides to commit to honesty moving forward. This encourages him to align with his values and rebuild integrity.
Unhelpful Shame: Emily feels ashamed about her childhood weight despite being healthy and active today. This lowers self-esteem and prevents her from enjoying life fully.
Jealousy – Helpful vs. Not Helpful
Helpful Jealousy: Sophie feels jealous of her friend’s career success, motivating her to set personal goals. Which drives self-improvement and career growth.
Not Helpful Jealousy: Jack becomes suspicious and controlling whenever his partner spends time with friends. This damages trust and strains their relationship.
Step 3: Is the Emotion, or My Reaction Helpful?
"Is the emotion helpful?"
Even if an emotion fits the facts, it may not always be useful in achieving long-term goals. Holding onto anger or resentment in a professional setting, for instance, may not serve a constructive purpose.
Step 4: Managing Emotions
After identifying and assessing emotions, the final step is learning how to manage them. While we find that we may not want to feel a certain way, this doesn’t mean we can just stop having feelings. Our goal is to apply techniques to manage the emotions in a way that supports our well-being and our relationships. DBT offers several strategies, including:
Opposite Action:
When emotions are not justified or are unhelpful, individuals are encouraged to act in ways opposite to their emotional urges in small, safe steps. For example, if feeling sadness and the urge to withdraw, engaging in social activities or uplifting experiences.
Problem-Solving:
When an emotion is justified, taking proactive steps to address the root cause, depending on the emotion or the situation. These strategies vary, but can include setting boundaries, seeking support, or making changes.
Distress Tolerance:
Distress tolerance skills are designed to help reduce emotional intensity and support clearer thinking in challenging situations. They aim to calm strong emotional reactions and prevent impulsive behaviours that could make things worse. These skills include techniques to quickly lower emotional arousal and strategies to encourage thoughtful responses rather than impulsive ones, helping you manage overwhelming emotions more effectively.
Radical Acceptance:
The practice of fully acknowledging reality as it is, without resistance, because denying reality only increases suffering and prevents effective problem-solving. For example, if I wake up to cold weather but refuse to accept it, jumping into the water in my bathers will only make me miserable; however, by accepting the cold, I can explore alternative solutions, such as wearing a wetsuit or choosing another activity.
Parts of DBT
Emotional Regulation is just one of the four key areas of DBT. We’ve also described Distress Tolerance a little above, the other two include:
· Mindfulness: Being in the present moment without judgement. Rather being sucked into future based fears with anxious “what if” thoughts or dragged back into your past with depressive thoughts of “if only”.
· Interpersonal Effectiveness: Communication skills, and how to build and maintain healthy relationships while asserting needs and setting boundaries for yourself and others.
If you're interested in exploring DBT further, consider seeking using DBT-based resources to build your emotional regulation skills.
