From Surviving to Thriving: Let Go of Perfectionism
As we move into any milestone, many of us reflect on our achievements or perceived failings. For those struggling with perfectionism this can become a critical examination. These unrelenting standards are often misunderstood as a healthy drive for excellence, but in truth can be a challenge that create cycles of self-doubt, procrastination, and relentless negative self-talk. Our goals is to shift from surviving to truly thriving by letting go of perfectionism and embracing self-compassion.
What is Perfectionism?
Perfectionism involves holding oneself to unrealistically high standards, often coupled with an “all-or-nothing” mindset. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) frames this as “black and white thinking” seeing things as either flawless success or total failure. This thought process paralyses us, leaving tasks unfinished or avoided altogether out of fear of imperfection.
Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) offers another lens, connecting perfectionism to invalidation or trauma. Unrealistically high standards can emerge as a coping mechanism to prove worthiness or avoid rejection. The struggle often forms as an internal conflict: wanting to project a flawless image while feeling deeply inadequate.
Schema Therapy further defines the same concept under the “Unrelenting Standards” schema, where we set impossible benchmarks to avoid criticism or failure. These rigid patterns often originate in childhood environments where love was dependent on conditional acceptance.
Holding Onto Perfectionism?
Perfectionism provides a temporary sense of reassurance, or control, comes at high costs. It contributes to anxiety, depression, and burnout. Never being satisfied and continually searching for higher standards can also strain relationships, as the time or effort to fulfill standards means sacrificing others, or we can impose impossible standards on others, both lead to conflict and disappointment.
At its core, perfectionism is driven by fear-—a fear of rejection, criticism, or failure. Letting go means breaking the cycle and creating space for growth, vulnerability, and genuine connection.
Moving Toward a “Good Enough” Mindset
CBT, DBT, and Schema Therapy each advocate redefining success in manageable, compassionate terms. Rather than striving for unattainable standards, aim for “good enough”, or “excellence”. Excellence emphasises effort, learning, and improvement, while perfection demands flawlessness at the expense of well-being.
Ask Yourself:
What would acceptable look like in this situation?
How would I evaluate someone else’s effort in similar circumstances?
What is the minimum standard that would satisfy me? How does that compare to my current expectations?
What would failure really be? How far away from that am I when I criticise myself?
Strategies for Letting Go
Challenge All-or-Nothing Thinking
Recognise that life exists in shades of grey, not just black and white. Instead of thinking, “If I don’t complete this perfectly, I’ve failed,” reframe it as, “I’ll give it my best shot, and I’ll learn something.”
Embrace Incremental Goals
Large tasks can feel overwhelming, leading to procrastination. Break them down into smaller, actionable steps and celebrate each milestone as progress.
Practice Self-Compassion
Speak to yourself as you would a close friend. Mistakes are learning opportunities, not evidence of inadequacy. Remind yourself that imperfection is part of being human. You can’t make an omelette without cracking an egg. A baby can’t learn to walk without falling down. We learn through our mistakes.
Shift Focus to the Process
Perfectionism often fixates on results, overlooking the value of the journey. Find joy in the process—whether it’s learning a skill, completing a project, or nurturing relationships. What do you really value?
Experiment with Imperfection
Deliberately leave small imperfections in your work or routine and observe the outcomes. Over time, this builds tolerance for imperfection and reduces anxiety. Does anyone really notice?
Reframe Failure
Failure is not a measure of worth but an opportunity to grow. Ask, “What can I learn from this experience?” to shift the narrative from judgment to self-improvement.
Let Go
Every day is a chance to leave behind behaviours that no longer serve us. Often, we place too much value on milestones. By letting go of perfectionism, you’re not settling for less but reclaiming your time, energy, and mental well-being. Imagine the freedom of pursuing goals without the fear of falling short, the joy of appreciating progress over unattainable ideals, and the fulfilment of authentic self-connection.
Take the First Step
Prioritise thriving over surviving. Embrace your own version of excellence, flexibility, and self-compassion. Whether it’s adopting a mindfulness practice, seeking support through therapy, vulnerability or connection through your relationships, or simply pausing to reflect release the burden of self-imposed standards and step into a more fulfilling and meaningful life. In doing so, you’ll create a life that honours growth, balance, and genuine happiness.
