Attribution Error
“We don’t judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree"
This quote is a reminder about the unrealistic expectations we sometimes place on ourselves and others. We need to provide understanding and respect for individual differences, for people’s abilities, limitations and unique ways of navigating life.
Attribution Theory
Attribution theory in psychology explores how we interpret other people’s behaviour, whether assigning someone’s actions to intentional motives or considering external circumstances. When someone behaves in a way that affects us, particularly negatively, we often try to determine the root cause. When someone has hurt us, understanding the basis of their actions can influence our emotional responses. We start by considering three main questions:
Did they intend to hurt us?
Did they know it would cause pain?
Were they capable of doing something differently?
Did They Understand the Consequences and Intend to Cause Harm?
Was there intentionality? Were they aware of the potential pain their actions might cause? If someone’s actions seem purposefully hurtful, we’re likely to respond with anger or resentment. We may even have a desire for retaliation and escalate the conflict.
Intentional harm can be linked with antisocial behaviours or personality traits, such as psychopathy or narcissism. People with these traits may lack empathy, reducing their ability to care about the pain they cause. However, assuming someone has caused deliberate harm without evidence can lead to misunderstandings and bitterness.
Were They Acting from a Place of Ignorance?
Another possibility is someone may have acted without a full understanding of the impact of their actions. This can happen due to lack of awareness or inexperience, or simply as a genuine mistake. In these cases, the hurt we feel may be built more from someone’s ignorance than a deliberate intent to cause us harm. Recognising this can make forgiveness easier, as we understand the action was not meant to hurt.
Some people are blessed with a well-developed understanding of others' mental states, and are therefore better equipped to predict the effects of their actions on others. However, not everyone possesses this skill, leading to unintended consequences, we try to leave space for compassion for those “unintentional offenses”.
Were We Expecting More Than They Could Give?
Often, the hurt we feel arises not from malice or ignorance but rather from expecting more than someone could realistically give. In such cases, we might feel hurt when someone fails to meet our standards, even though they may be doing the best they can. For instance, when we expect a partner, friend, or family member to meet certain needs or act in a way they’re simply not able to, we may feel let down. Adjusting our expectations to align with someone’s genuine abilities helps us avoid placing undue pressure on them and lessens the potential for disappointment.
The concept of "misattribution," is when we mistakenly attribute someone’s actions to personal failure rather than a realistic limitation. By adjusting our expectations to recognise other people have limitations, we can reduce the likelihood of feeling hurt and build greater acceptance and compassion.
Moving from Misinterpretation to Empathy
Attribution Theory reminds us that our understanding of others is influenced by our interpretations, which may or may not always be accurate. When we consider someone’s intent, awareness, and capacity, we can step back from judging them and may begin to understand them.
Cultivating a more empathetic approach enables us to better navigate our relationships and our own emotional reactions to situations. By being mindful of the complex reasons behind others’ actions, we’re more likely to respond with compassion and maintain healthier, more fulfilling connections.
