Love Languages: Personalising Communication
The concept of love languages, introduced by Dr Gary Chapman highlights that how we express and receive love can be thought of in five different styles:-
· Words of Affirmation
· Quality Time,
· Receiving Gifts,
· Acts of Service, and
· Physical Touch.
We all have emotional needs that reflect how we feel valued and appreciated by others. For instance, one partner might feel loved by hearing their partner sharing their feeling or “verbal affirmations”, while another may prioritise spending quality time, or someone else may prefer to receive thoughtful gestures.
Sometimes we may experience a feeling of being neglected if we don’t recognise our partner’s efforts. Similarly, we may feel frustrated if we are making sacrifices for the sake of our partner and this doesn’t seem to be appreciated. By taking the time to understanding and listen to the love language being communicated within our relationship we can create more meaningful and genuine connections.
Words of Affirmation: Expressing Love Through Words
Here the focus is on expressing love, appreciation, and encouragement through verbal or written communication. For those who prioritise this love language, affirming words instil a sense of value, belonging, and emotional security.
Examples
Saying "I love you" with heartfelt intention.
Offering specific compliments, like "You handled that so well; I admire your resilience."
Writing thoughtful notes or messages to remind your partner of their importance.
Providing encouragement, such as "I know you can do this; I’m proud of you."
This language is about providing validation and acknowledgment, with research showing affirming words deepen trust and emotional intimacy. Dr John Gottman’s concept of the “Magic Ratio” highlights that positive affirmations, combined with constructive interactions, can significantly strengthen relationships.
Misinterpretations and Challenges
Sometimes a partner may believe "Actions speak louder than words”. We can address this by following up our words with supportive actions, me p or that “Words are hollow” e.g. as saying, "I appreciate you" while helping with a task. Our goal is that if this is the language your partner hears best, try to integrate it regularly into your life, and express gratitude and appreciation. Try to avoid criticism, as harsh words can deeply affect those who value verbal affirmation. Include written notes, text or email and personalised messages.
Quality Time: The Power of Undivided Attention
Quality Time emphasises meaningful, shared moments where partners are fully present. The focus is on connection, not the activity itself.
Examples
Having uninterrupted conversations over coffee (without screens or distractions).
Planning regular date nights or shared experiences, like hiking or cooking together.
Engaging in "parallel play," such as reading or relaxing side by side.
Research shows providing someone with your undivided attention communicates you value them, which builds emotional intimacy and strengthens relationships.
Misinterpretations and Challenges
A partner who is “task driven” and always on the go, may become distracted, or bored, or say “We’re not doing anything”. Especially if your partner values productivity rather than presence. We can address this by trying to reframe time you spend together as an investment in the relationship. Try to plan regular, distraction-free time with your partner, with a focus on being mindful in the moment. Try to balance structured activities with spontaneous moments of connection. Try to adapt to your partner’s preferences, especially for those who may prefer low-pressure interactions.
Receiving Gifts: Tangible Tokens of Love
This isn’t just about money, or lavish gifts, but rather the thoughtfulness and effort behind the gifts, symbolising love and care. In this way sending a meme or picking a flower can represent the same gesture.
Examples
Giving a small memento tied to shared memories.
Surprising your partner with their favourite snack or flowers.
Creating personalised items, like a scrapbook or a curated playlist.
Symbolic interactionism explains the emotional value of meaningful objects, making thoughtful gifts are powerful expressions of love. In this case it is the effort and attention behind the gesture which truly matter rather than the materialism.
Misinterpretations and Challenges
A partner may believe “You’re trying to buy my affection”, this may be less to related to your relation, but rather due to past experiences where gifts were associated with manipulation. In this case the emphasis is on the sentimental value and intent behind the gesture rather than the dollar value of the gift. Instead, focus on small, meaningful gestures rather than extravagant gifts. Acknowledge your partner’s thoughtfulness rather than the price, and incorporate their preferences into your choices to make them feel understood.
Acts of Service: Demonstrating Love Through Action
This can include providing any kind of helpful or thoughtful tasks to show your care towards your partner.
Examples
Cooking a meal after a busy day.
Helping with chores or errands without being asked.
Offering practical support during stressful times.
Acts of Service tap into our general instincts towards prosocial behaviour, reinforcing our need to show reliability and care. Dr John Gottman’s research highlights that small, consistent gestures build emotional “deposits” in the relationship bank.
Misinterpretations and Challenges
This can be misunderstood by a partner as though they are unable to complete things independently "You think I can’t handle this myself”, or condescension. In this instance we want to frame it as a loving gesture, not an obligation. Alternatively, we can feel as though we need to be of service in order to be worthy of the relationship. Our goal is to tailor acts to your partner’s preferences, ensuring they feel supported, but not dominated, and try to work together collaboratively rather than having one partner doing all of tasks alone.
Physical Touch: Building Connection Through Affection
Here the emphasis is on tactile gestures, such as hugs, hand-holding, or cuddling, to communicate love and emotional security, not purely on sexual activity.
Examples
Offering a comforting hug during tough moments.
Holding hands during a walk.
Giving a massage to help your partner relax.
Touch releases oxytocin in the brain, this is the same neurotransmitter that is associated with emotional closeness and reducing stress. Touch also helps with grounding and reassurance.
Misinterpretations and Challenges
A partner may be confused that "Touch always leads to something sexual”. This may not be related to your relationship, but to their past, where it has been associated with ulterior motives. We want to make sure to establish a difference between affectionate and sexual touch, respecting our partner’s boundaries. Try to incorporate touch in small, meaningful ways, or even through play. Consider talking to your partner about alternatives to touch, like hugs or weighted blankets.
