Love or Limerance
Love is a complex emotion. While we can hear songs, read poems, or connect to the latest TikTok, not every intense feeling towards another person can be classified as love. Sometimes, what we think is love might actually be something else. Sometimes we are experiencing limerence. Understanding the difference between love and limerence can be key to having a successful relationship.
What is Limerence?
Limerence is a term created by a psychologist in 1979 (Dorothy Tennov). She used it to describe intense romantic feelings, that include intrusive thoughts, romantic infatuation or dependency on a response from the other person. It feels more like a rollercoaster (huge highs followed by deep anxiety and despair) compared to the calm waters of love.
Signs of Limerence
Some of the signs include:
Idealisation: Overlooking the flaws in the other person, ignoring “red-flags”, viewing them through an idealised lens. This imbalance can prevent you from seeing them as a whole person with both positive and negative traits.
Intrusive Thoughts: Your thoughts may be dominated by this person, often to the point where it disrupts your daily life. You might replay every encounter, analyse minor words or gestures, and search for hidden meanings in their actions.
Emotional Dependency: Your mood and self-esteem may become heavily dependent on how the other person responds to you. A simple text message from them can send you into a high of happiness, while silence can lead to feelings of despair. Sometimes we mistake this dependency as the excitement of early stages of love.
Physical Symptoms: The stress and anxiety caused by limerence can result in physical symptoms such as trembling, heart palpitations, or even feelings of nausea.
Understanding Love
In contrast to limerence, love is built on a deep emotional connection and mutual respect. Love involves:
Trust and Openness: You feel secure and confident in expressing your true self to your partner.
Acceptance: You see and accept your partner's flaws yet continue to appreciate and cherish them.
Emotional Stability: Your relationship provides a sense of calm and stability, rather than the emotional highs and lows associated with limerence.
Understanding Love
In contrast to limerence, love is built on a deep emotional connection and mutual respect. Love involves:
Trust and Openness: You feel secure and confident in expressing your true self to your partner.
Acceptance: You see and accept your partner's flaws yet continue to appreciate and cherish them.
Emotional Stability: Your relationship provides a sense of calm and stability, rather than the emotional highs and lows associated with limerence.
The Difference Between Love and Limerence
One of the key differences between love and limerence is the presence of mutual respect and reciprocity in love. In a loving relationship, both partners are equally invested and contribute to each other’s happiness and well-being. In contrast, limerence is often one-sided, with one person investing far more into the relationship than the other.
Moving Forward
Recognising the difference between love and limerence is essential for developing healthy relationships. While limerence can feel overwhelming and intense, it is often emotionally exhausting, not sustainable in the long term, as it’s not balanced, and one party often doesn’t get their needs met.
Love is based in mutual respect, trust, and emotional stability. By understanding the difference, you can make an informed choice on what kind of relationships you want to have in the future and work to build stronger, healthier connections.
If you find yourself frequently experiencing limerence, it may be helpful to reflect on your past relationships. Understanding your emotional patterns can empower you to make more informed decisions in your romantic life.
