Finding Balance in Intimacy

Often our relationships can often become unbalanced, leading to feelings of dissatisfaction, frustration, or even resentment. Many of us struggle to find a balance between giving and receiving in our relationships. This struggle often comes from our fears of vulnerability, our experiences abandonment, and or feelings of unworthiness, which can sabotage the potential for deep, meaningful connection.

“If we don’t feel worthy of love, we can replace being loved with being needed”

Esther Perel

The Pitfalls of Needing to Be Needed

Esther Perel, a renowned relationship therapist, says “if we don’t feel worthy of love, we can replace being loved with being needed”

True love includes mutual affection, trust, and respect. It involves prioritising each other’s well-being, maintaining a sense of identity and freedom within your relationship, open communication and creating a safe space where both partners feel emotionally supported and understood.

Why We Struggle to Receive

Many of us have been socialised to nurture others, often at the expense of our own needs. This can lead to an imbalance where one partner continuously gives without allowing themselves to receive. This reluctance to receive often stems from a fear of vulnerability. Receiving requires us to open up and trust that our needs will be met, which can be terrifying, especially for those who have experienced abandonment or betrayal in the past.

For some, giving offers a sense of control or security. By giving, they feel indispensable, relied upon, hoping that by being indispensable, they can avoid abandonment. However, this dynamic can lead to a power imbalance, thereby blocking deeper connection and intimacy.

Self-Worth and the Cycle of Over-Giving

Deep down, some individuals may not feel worthy of love. They might overcompensate by giving excessively in their relationships, by “earning” their place. This over-giving can manifest in various forms—financial support, acts of service, or even giving of oneself physically. However, this cycle of over-giving can lead to feelings of resentment and burnout, ultimately sabotaging the relationship.

Breaking the Cycle: Embracing Vulnerability

To achieve balance in intimacy, it’s crucial to embrace vulnerability. Healthy relationships require a flow of both giving and receiving. Think of it like a circuit—if the relationship is only one-way, it cannot function properly. By allowing yourself to receive, you open the door to deeper connection and mutual support.

If you find it difficult to receive, it may be worth exploring whether there is an underlying fear of intimacy or closeness. Remember, intimacy is not just about physical closeness but also emotional openness and trust. By addressing these fears and working towards a balanced dynamic, you can foster healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

Resources

• Chan, A. (2020). Breakup Bootcamp. Dey Street Books.

• Perel, E. (2009). Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence vol. 1.

• Perel, E. (2017). The state of affairs: Rethinking infidelity-A book for anyone who has ever loved. Hachette UK.